No, You’re Not Entitled to My Kindess

I’ve already spoken in another article about the tweet I wrote recently regarding those of us who aren’t really “get on the floor and play pretend” kind of parents. I’ve also already mentioned that I got a lot of bullshit comments from people who heavily disagreed and decided to make it known in the most obnoxious way possible.

I didn’t go into full detail, though, about my favorite of these people: a (I think) gentleman who shared my tweet to his timeline with the words “let’s normalize shitty parenting.”

Because I’m not one to ignore people who clearly want my attention, I wound up laying into him. I told him that he didn’t have a right to call me a shitty parent, that he didn’t know enough about my home life to comment on whether or not I was a good mother or not. I also told him that I was sorry that his parents apparently sucked, but that this wasn’t my or any other parent’s problem.

He responded with two words, words that made me bark a hard laugh: “How nice.”

This, I’ve noticed, is the response many give when they start arguments with others. The moment one bites back, their response, is invariably, something to the extent of “you didn’t have to get nasty,” and it lacks so much self awareness that I would think it was a joke if these people were clever enough to come up with one laden with such irony.

I see this entitlement just as much, if not more, in matters of race. People will approach me, asking questions that are clearly meant to be “gotcha” questions, or that are insanely rude. Such questions include classics like “if Black people aren’t dangerous, then why are they only 13% of the population but responsible for 52% of the crime?” and “oh yeah? You’ve experienced racism? Give me an example then,” or the ever-popular “if you don’t want people to call you n*****s then why are you calling each other n******?” This is always delivered with an air of smugness and surety, as if they’re completely sure that I’m going to respond with a tearful “thank you, Sir, for setting me straight. Black people are savages. May I have another?”

That, or they’re expecting me to respond like a Dickens character, all : “Excuseth me, Sir, but may I provide you with a well-studied, brilliant, 500-page research paper I wrote to satisfy your doubt in my experience and the experience of those who have spoken on this issue for the last fucking hundreds of years…..eth.”

Without fail, they’re always outraged when I respond in kind, or if I refuse to expend the emotional energy required to give them a full-fledged history lesson on humanity and civil rights. In fact, I can only think of twice that I haven’t gotten a surprised response about how I responded to ignorance with derision and swears instead of the calm and kindness they clearly thought they deserved.

Now that I’m writing this down, I’m realizing that I blame the internet for this steep drop in the understanding of people’s inner workings. Now that we have a comment box in front of us at all times, we’ve taken this to mean that every opinion and idiotic thought we have is actually being asked for. “How can they be angry,” we think, “when the other person is clearly asking for the manifesto I wrote about why Black people are simply spoiled victims? If they didn’t want to hear from me, they wouldn’t put this out there for me to see.”

We’ve gotten to a point in history where we see the mere lives of others as personal sources of entertainment. They owe us a peek into their real lives. They owe us an audience if we disagree with something they’ve said. They owe us kindness and patience, even if we provide none. Because why else would I be able to comment on this thing you said, if my comments, no matter how unhelpful, asinine, or rude, weren’t welcome?

And it blows my mind, because no one would dream of holding those expectations in person.

I know “in person” hasn’t really been much of a thing since the start of 2020, but take the ride with me here: if you pass a group of people standing on the sidewalk having a spirited conversation about…I don’t know…funny shit their kids do, would you expect a friendly reception if you were to shove your face into their group to tell one of those people that you think they’re a shitty parent, and that your baby Elderflower Moonbeam will never be talked about that way?

Perhaps I’m remembering The Good Ol’ Days differently, but I seem to remember that, if you’re lucky, you’d just be roasted until you realized no one asked you. And the strangest part to me in all of this is that I don’t think you’d respond with “what are you getting so defensive for? I was just voicing my opinion!”

Obviously things are a little different on the racial front, but I still don’t believe anyone would be stupid enough to expect that yelling “Black people need to stop being victims!” would be met with any response besides something negative.

Especially in that case, it helps to think before you say things. Asking why Black people x if they want y is essentially saying “I don’t believe that you actually want this thing. Satisfy my doubt and perhaps I’ll change my ways.” Calling us “victims” or whatever else is meant to be derogatory; why in the world would you expect a response that would be anything but hostile? If that’s something that you’ve found yourself expecting, I suggest you keep in mind that 1. you’re one of many who’ve already demanded the same explanation in exchange for the possibility of your kindness, and 2. you’ve got some heavy privilege flexing going on, because Black people don’t owe you subservience just because you want it.

Look, my point here is that I think there’s some decorum here that people have forgotten. So I’m simply mystified that this doesn’t carry over to virtual interactions. Kindness begets kindness, whether it’s in electronic or personal form. You’re not just entitled to a friendly response because you want one. You’re not owed reverence or a platform for your message. A screen in between you and the receiver of your vitriol doesn’t change that. And if you wind up receiving your own treatment in response only to find that it makes you feel unhappy, then perhaps you should be looking at your own actions, rather than those of the person you’ve engaged.

So I suppose, to summarize for those who are still unsure as to the central point, it is this: don’t start none, won’t be none.

It’s that simple.