Every time I start talking about social media, I’m reminded of how every single person seems to have a completely different understanding of what it is. Some people think it’s just for kids; others seem to be under the impression that it’s all you need to get famous; still others think it all went downhill after AOL Instant Messenger. So y’know…the way people approach it will be pretty varied.
And I mean…look at me here with all this knowledge no one asked for! Guess I’d better share it, in the form of five more things I really think people need to understand (you’re welcome).
Myth #1: Social Media is evil and people should stop using it.
I’m sure everyone is looking at me sideways right now. After all, how many studies tell us again and again that social media lends itself to negative mental health? How many times have we heard about how much freer people feel when they stop using it? It’s not like there isn’t proof out there that Facebook is the devil.
I’ve mentioned before that I don’t buy this. In fact, in my opinion, the problem isn’t with social media; it’s how we’re using it.
I’m going to break off on a real quick tangent here to tell you a story.
The year was 2020. I’d decided that, on top of talking about parenting and kids, I also needed to start speaking more openly about my life as a Black woman in the United States. This was never met with grace, but 2020 brought out a special breed of hateful asshole, and I wanted to fight them all.
Sometimes, I was online for hours, arguing with people. Fighting the Good Fight. Making fun of people once I couldn’t argue anymore. I was stressed. I was angry. I’d lie awake for a bit before bed, thinking about something stupid someone said, and how badly I wanted to lay into them until my rage subsided. And I took social media breaks; in fact, I took two.
The problem, though, wasn’t social media itself; it was my usage of it. I used it to fight people who didn’t deserve my time and attention, and I gave my focus to almost everyone who demanded it.After I came back, I decided that I wasn’t bothering with negative comments anymore, and that I wasn’t going to be on social media for more than a couple hours a day, to ensure that I exercised self-control. I’ve had no problems since.
Social media, in itself, is just a tool. It’s how we use it that makes the difference. If we use it to connect with others, if we use it to make friends, and we treat the negatives as we would some guy yelling something stupid in public, it’s a much friendlier place.
And if your problem is that you tend to feel bad about yourself scrolling those “perfect” pages, this next one is for you.
Myth #2: People need to be “more real”
I was not alive in the 50’s, but I have a mom who was. Every time she calls me, she’s like “why do you tell everyone your business?” And I’m like “Mom, I just said the cat won’t stay off the counter. Settle down.”
She does have a point though: we’ve become so spoiled by a culture that tells us that we deserve to know everything, that we can’t handle the idea of people keeping things from us.
Sorry to tell you, but you’re not owed anything.
Is Cheryl posting nothing but smiling pictures of her kids and muffins she baked while supposedly vacuuming the floor with her feet? Okay – she’s allowed to show you what she wants. Just as Joanne is totally within her rights to show you her stretch marks and her messy house and her shower filled with hair. They are showing what they want, and they owe us nothing beyond that.
“But Arianna,” you say, pausing in staring hatefully at your neighbor for a sec, “people like Cheryl lead to mental health issues because she spreads the message that we all need to be like her!”
Does she? Or does she just present who she personally wants to be to the world without really thinking about you in the first place, because she has no idea who you are?
Thing is, unless someone is specifically posting something along the lines of “BE JUST LIKE ME,” we’re doing this to ourselves. As a bit of a piggyback off of item #1, we’re choosing to use social media as a tool of comparison, and we’re using our frustrations with the people we wish to emulate as evidence that they must be bad. But honestly, they’re probably fine people, and what we really need to be doing is reminding ourselves that we’re fine people, too. That’s not anyone’s responsibility but our own.
This is good news for you, though, because this also means that you’re not under any obligation to share anything that you don’t want to. So if you’re terrified of posting pictures of your kids, or talking about your sick parents, or posting photos sans makeup, you don’t have to. Honesty and genuineness and oversharing aren’t the same thing.
Myth #3: I must answer every comment/question/complaint that I receive
Oh God. Could you imagine? You’d live on social media. You’d dream in reels. Don’t do this to yourself.
If you’re flapping your hands in frustration and yelling “BUT YOU SAID BEFORE THAT SOCIAL MEDIA IS FOR CONNECTION,” I was right; it is. But just as it is with in-person connection, you need breaks. You’re not going to get to everyone. Not everyone is worth your time and effort. So stop it.
If you’re not sure what “reasonable” is, I generally suggest to my clients that they respond to comments in the first hour, and then they return to check things out the next day. After that, unless there’s an overwhelmingly negative response that you have to address, move on. I promise you everyone will be fine.
Myth #4: If I’m losing followers, I’m doing something wrong
I get it: follower numbers matter. I still get annoyed at this from time to time myself. In fact, Instagram reach sucks worse than it ever has, and though this is purely anecdotal, pretty much every influencer and big-timer I know is noticing a negative overall impact on their audience.
It isn’t just Instagram either; Pinterest tends to see an unexplained dip in numbers every April. Facebook page reach has been dismal for years. The only platform I’ve ever seen stay fairly consistent is Twitter, and even then numbers will fluctuate from day to day.
So you’ve got to understand that a loss of following doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ve done anything wrong; in fact, most times it doesn’t. Unless you’ve just posted something controversial, stopped posting for a really long time, or started posting more, the best thing that you can do for yourself is take a deep breath and keep doing what you’re doing. Of course, make sure that algorithms haven’t changed or that certain features haven’t been added or taken away, but if that’s not the case, you’ve done nothing wrong. Keeps speaking to your audience, keep interacting with colleagues, and keep doing things you’re wholeheartedly behind, and you’ll ease that drop just a bit.
And finally, without further ado:
Myth #5: No one wants to hear about me. I’m not interesting.
If my life working with people has taught me anything, it’s that every single person on this earth is interesting. Every single one. And if you find those things about yourself that are interesting and share them with the world, you’ll find people who identify with you. That’s how this works.
“But Arianna,” you say, yawning, “all I do is sit inside every night, knitting, drinking tea and watching Downton Abbey!”
So…what you’re telling me is that you know a ton about different teas? And you could totally quote every line from Downton Abbey? And you know how to knit? I wish I could knit. And I love tea. And I’ve never seen Downton Abbey but Maggie Smith has looked 5000 years old forever and I want to hear more about how she is on that show.
So…reframe. Give yourself more credit. You’ve got a ton to offer, and the people who need to hear what you have to say will see that without much effort.
