Full disclosure: This is a story that I shared in real time to my Facebook page a couple of months ago. It was a popular little jaunt into horrible, colon-torturing madness, so I thought I’d share it again for those of you who didn’t see it. This is not happening now, so please don’t call for the police to look in on me or anything; my butthole is fine. Moving on….
There are times where one just gets desperate.
I’d been tired-beyond-tired for so long that I didn’t know what to even do with myself anymore besides grow more and more frustrated that I couldn’t actually do anything. And then I saw the ad for this stuff.
Here it is, and it smells like Tang.
As usual, Facebook could hear my thoughts, and it presented me with an ad for this “morning shake” that was supposed to wake you in the morning. The idea of finally having energy and focus was too good to pass up, and I bought the stuff with very little hesitation. I mean…I did do a look into reviews and I didn’t see that anyone had died, so I figured whatever happened next would be fine.
The following is how my day of taking this stuff went:
UPDATE 1: The rules say to mix it the night before and drink it upon waking up. I did that. I have to admit I COULD NOT stay in bed. Like I wasn’t jittery, but I needed to move. I went on a walk. I smiled at the sunrise. It was nice.
UPDATE 2: tummy rumbling. Need food. I am ravenous. I also can’t stop moving and doing things. This is kind of neat.
UPDATE 3: tummy still rumbling. Things are happening. I need a bathroom.
UPDATE 4: UH OH SPAGHETTI Os…and by “spaghetti o’s,” I mean “diarrhea.” Lots of it. It doesn’t hurt, there’s no stomach cramps, but I’m pretty sure I’ve pooped enough to make up for the last three days. Good thing I’m full of energy because now I have to take a shower.
UPDATE 5: a short shower later, I am sitting on the couch waiting to start homeschooling the kids and I definitely still feel wired. I want to flap my arms and fly to Alaska. I want to fight a herd of cows. This is was only a half a scoop. A whole scoop probably would have me zooming around like a motorcycle.
UPDATE 6: My butthole keeps puckering like a traumatized puppy. I do not have to poop but it seems my butt is afraid that it will be made to work again. My brain doesn’t care; it just wants to DO STUFF. I am caught in the middle
UPDATE 7: school begins in 6 minutes so I’ll disappear for a bit, but I literally just realized I’m leaning over the back of the couch, staring at the clock. I want to get started. I’ve already made my to-do list. The children are giggling and their mirth is ruining my plans. LETS GO
UPDATE 8: was looking for something and I couldn’t find it, so I went on a very long rant about how nobody knows where anything is and then I found it. I shot through my Spanish lessons MUCH faster than usual. Duolingo was having a very hard time keeping up with my speech. I have to go to the post office and I think I could probably run there.
UPDATE 9: I am peeing before I go to the post office. Mark (my husband) yells “ARE YOU POOPING AGAIN” from the other room. It seems he is also traumatized by my need for infinite energy.
UPDATE 10: While driving to the post office (don’t worry, I’m parked now), I am JAMMING to my music, full voice. It doesn’t seem to matter that I don’t know the words. I’m like “jabdjvoeiwhandb LONELY TONIIIGHT.”
UPDATE 11: I also sang to Ariana Grande and was 100% certain I was hitting those whistle notes. I am now disappointed that no one has come to me with my record deal yet.
UPDATE 12: due to my…uh…Doo Doo deluge this morning, I have been chugging water. I have to pee. The post office has chosen this particular moment to take 9 million years to do things. Shit just got serious.
UPDATE 13: While I know it would have made this story infinitely more interesting, I regret to inform you all that I did not pee myself.
I do have the teeniest headache, but my bootyhole is all better. This is the time of day where I usually crash, and I’m feeling it a little. I’m yawning and thinking about naps, but if I tried to lie down I’d just wind up staring at the ceiling so I’m not going to try.
I am thinking of having a LITTLE caffeine to pick me up, but I fear that might leave me hovering from door to door like a hummingbird so never mind.
Update 14: Teensy headache has become less teensy. Took some Advil I’m fine. I’m definitely feeling less zippy than I did this morning. Still plenty awake, but now more even-keeled. I have to read to my kids and teach them Spanish so I’ll be gone again, but now we’re just counting down until I can have a REAL mimosa.
Also my kids knocked over my water bottle and stared at the ensuing puddle until I got mad so this stuff won’t make you any more willing to put up with your kids’ shit, in case you were wondering
Update 15: Advil hasn’t stopped the headache. It’s not TERRIBLE (I get headaches pretty often and on the 10 scale this is like a 4-5), but it feels like there’s a little man on the left side of my head, poking me incessantly with a stick. I don’t like it.
That said, I’ve suspected for a while that I have ADHD, and while I still had a little of hard time getting myself sitting down at my computer, I still was able to push through and do it, which is huge to me.
THAT said, usually by now, I’m in bed for a nap while my kids play on their tablets, and they were VERY disappointed to find out that wasn’t happening today. So they personally would like to give this product 1 star.
Final update:
It’s been 8 hours since the start of the war on my colon. Ma says that if I can go two hours without a’ poopin’, I can go ride the ol’ mare. I remember that time I got dysentery fondly and wish I’d never made it to the Willamette Valley. The wildlife laughs as I poop intensely into a hole. I think this hole houses a family of snakes, so perhaps they will put me out of my misery.
Just kidding. I’m fine. Head is still pounding and I’m not enjoying that, but I’m otherwise fine. I’ve finished three things on my to-do list, and I’ve been able to focus on each one. I even actually sat and worked on my book; that’s been the hardest thing for me to force myself to do lately, so that makes me really happy. I don’t long for a nap, though I definitely feel that the day is over half over. I’m probably gonna sleep really well tonight.
For those asking, yes, I’ll probably try this again a few times to see if the side effects abate. I won’t be doing it tomorrow because I have my second vaccine shot tomorrow and I don’t want to give my body any more reasons to act up. But I’ll probably be right back to trying it by Friday.
That said, I’m not sure yet if this is much better than Zest Tea, who I WAS using until I guess I built up a tolerance. They kept me up, helped me focus, and I didn’t get headaches. If you don’t want to put your butt on the line (literally), look into them. Not the best tasting tea in the market, but they do an amazing job.
I’m about to enjoy a cranberry mimosa now, so that’ll be the end of my busy day. Thanks for hanging in and listening to me talk about my poop, as well as other things. I’d say “let’s do this again” sometime but I really hope I don’t.
For the record, shortly after this happened, I continued taking the stuff, then figured that probably wasn’t the brightest idea. It was that feeling that finally pushed me to get my ADHD diagnosis. So now, I only want to slapfight cows sometimes. My focus and energy is much better though, and that tub of powder is still sitting on my kitchen counter…waiting. So y’know….don’t be like me, but also do be like me in that you’ve hopefully learned that checking on yourself is important. I eliminated the middle man for you and I am a hero. You’re welcome.
