I don’t think that parenting with ADHD is talked about enough, honestly. Sure, there’s plenty of talk about how to parent a child with ADHD, or how to live as an adult with ADHD, but what about when you’re in charge of a whole-ass other person? What about when that whole-ass other person also has ADHD? What then?
I’m not going to pretend to have all the answers; far from. But I can tell you what I know, as a mom with an ADHD brain, who has a son with the same.
And, as always, if you’d rather watch me talk about it, you can do that here. You can also listen to it below, or go here and pick your preferred podcast platform.
Okay, so first off: Yes, your kids will trigger you.
So you know how ADHDers are more likely to have sensory issues, shorter tempers, and to get overwhelmed? That doesn’t just go away the moment you enter a sticky, self-obsessed, tiny whirlwind version of yourself into the equation.
Now, you still have these issues, but you have someone in your life whose whole existence seems to revolve around triggering those very issues, and denying this fact isn’t doing you any favors.
I know that hearing this might make you feel bad, because parenting is still kinda sold as this thing that’s supposed to feel at all times like a warm hug, but the Secret They Don’t Want You To Know is: all parents, even neurotypical parents, are triggered by their kids. It’s just that ADHD brains might have different or easier buttons to push.
So what do you do about it?
Firstly: Try to recognize that you’re being triggered
This can be difficult and you won’t always succeed at this (which we’ll get into later), but especially if you know what gets to you, it’s a great idea to pay close attention to how you’re feeling when your kids are on their bullshit.
For example, if you know that the sound of chewing makes you want to scream for mercy and your bundle of joy is smacking on their ice cream like it’s an Olympic event, this is a good time to pay close attention to any ire you may feel.
I feel that, in parenting especially, it’s really easy for us to think that the anger we’re feeling is 1. justified, and 2.totally about something else because there’s no way that we’d be so petty and weird as to be upset about something so small. The truth here quite often is that 1. No it isn’t, and 2. Yes, we are.
So try to remind yourself when you’re trying to convince yourself that you’re actually just mad because Junior won’t use a napkin despite you telling him to 9,752,487 times, that you’re already in a situation that’s affecting you, and that the anger you feel is probably magnified by that.
Next: Either lessen the effect, or remove yourself from the situation for a bit
This can look like a number of different things. Maybe you ask actually ask your kid to chew with their mouth closed, or maybe you try to get them talking about something until their ice cream is more like soup so they have to slurp it with a spoon (unless, of course, slurping also makes you angry; then try a different tactic). For older (read: mid-late school age) children, it’s not going to ruin them if you say something to the effect of: “Hey, that noise is really getting to me; can you try to eat that a little quieter please?”
Of course, this won’t always work. Maybe your kids are in the middle of a huge argument and the screaming is like nails on the chalkboard, but they’re so angry at each other that your pleas are completely ignored. Maybe, in our ice cream example, your kid is in their “I’m a Dick On Purpose” phase of life, and so your request makes them laugh and they start eating even louder.
That’s when most parents (myself included), have the knee-jerk response to just…give in to that agitation. You’ll scream louder than both arguing kids and send them to their room, or you’ll reach across the table, snatch the ice cream from your kid and Kobe Bryant that shit into the trashcan on the other side of the restaurant (may he rest in peace). This is tempting, and sometimes you won’t be able to resist, but try very hard not to do this for two reasons:
For one, this models some things that you don’t want your kid to catch on to. Namely, you don’t want them to think that yelling or snatching things and throwing them is the right way to handle their own agitation. My thing is to always imagine my kid grown and acting the way I just did in a relationship with someone else. If my behavior would raise red flags then, it’s not something I want my kid to learn.
This also models that this kind of stuff will get big reactions out of you, and kids like big reactions. They’re fun and exciting and come with a nice show, even if there’s a punishment after. So you don’t want to make yourself into your kid’s favorite plaything.
For another, giving into these feelings will leave you with a ton of guilt afterwards, because ADHD brains, as creative as they are, take it really hard when they realize later that they could have done something better or differently. You don’t need that on your conscience.
So instead, swallow that frustration as best you can, and then remove yourself from the situation.
But Arianna, what if I can’t remove myself from the situation?
I get what you’re saying, but there are few situations where you can’t remove yourself. Keep in mind that I’m not just talking about physical removal. This can be mental or emotional removal, too.
Don’t get all twitchy; you don’t have to emotionally separate from your kid forever; just long enough to calm down before you do something rash.
If you’re in the car and your kid will not stop ringing the bike bell someone gave them at school for some ungodly reason, turn the music up until you can barely hear the bell. If you’re at that ice cream restaurant, pay your bill and go for a walk so that you can focus on the surrounding noise of the world outside for a bit.
Distraction can be removal, too. You just want to get yourself to a point where you can handle things without yelling.
If you have a kid who also has ADHD, try to put yourself in their shoes as much as you can.
Of course, you’re not always going to understand why they do the things they do because you’re an adult, and they’re still developing the understanding as to why you need to wipe your ass well after pooping. But. You can still try to remember how certain things felt, or why you did certain things to get a good handle on how to handle things.
What do you wish people said to you back in the day?
What kind of things actually helped? What things actually made you feel worse?
How do you want them to feel when the whole thing is done?
Ask yourself all of this, and try to respond in line with what your answers are. The empathy is going to be one of your biggest weapons.
Give your kid(s) school checklists.
My son used to come home all the time without his lunchbox. He’d also forget his water bottle and his books. One time, he came home without his whole backpack.
I got sick of this, and wound up making a small checklist for him that I taped to the inside of his backpack. I told him that he was to check this list every day before going to school and before coming home.
Hell no, this didn’t work right away. It took consistency on our parts to check his backpack for him when we picked him up from school. Now, though, he forgets a lot less. Constant reminders do wonders for ADHD brains.
You’re not going to hit a perfect balance
I think people often hope that they’ll hit a perfect balance between work and kids if they JUST COULD UNDERSTAND THEIR ADHD BETTER, but I hate to tell you that…no you won’t. You never will. You could have the healthiest brain in the history of Man, and you’ll still find that some days, you’re feeding your kid PB & J for breakfast, lunch, and dinner while you bang out that last work project.
I do not have a “perfect balance” either. Some days, I focus more on household stuff, like helping my kids with homework and cleaning little things, and sometimes I focus more on work and let them play Minecraft all day.
I will say that a massive thing that’s helped me stay more balanced has been “theming” my days: telling myself that “today will be more about cleaning than anything else” or “today I’m going to worry more about getting writing done.” Narrowing down task themes can leave you more time for kids when you need it and I highly recommend that.
And finally…sometimes, you’re gonna mess all of this up
I’m going to tell you a short personal story here. It just happened yesterday.
Without getting into too much detail, my 8-year-old was caught doing some messed-up stuff. Not violent or evil, but still messed-up. Worst of all, I did not find out about it from him; I found out from his teachers.
He’d been really working on this particular trigger of mine for awhile, and I’d been trying everything to work through it gently and methodically. Unfortunately for both of us, though, yesterday I was extremely low on sleep and I was irritable, and hearing this rather bad news added panic and anger to the top of the pile.
I lost it.
On the way home, I screamed at him the whole way. I said some things that I shouldn’t have said. And when my husband tried to calm me down, I yelled at him, too. Then I dissolved into tears, probably cementing for everyone involved that I was a cheeseburger short of a Happy Meal.
When you explode, you cannot take it back. You can’t walk it back. You’ve messed up.
But dwelling on the fact that you messed up, writhing in shame and becoming a groveling worm of pity doesn’t move anything forward. Instead, you apologize to those you’ve wronged, make a mental note of where you messed up, and try your damnedest to do better next time. I did all of this yesterday, and it didn’t immediately fix how I (or, my son, I’m sure) felt, but it did make steps in the right direction.
Kids, thankfully, are forgiving and malleable. They often understand when you tell them that you’re learning, too.
I was honest with my son. I told him that I said things I shouldn’t have because I was scared, and that I should have calmed down first. I told him that I didn’t do the right thing, and that I’ll try to do better. Then we hugged it out and I went back to my room to cry some more.
Parenting is chaos. ADHD is chaos. You’re living in a chaotic land, and the best you can do for yourself is to acknowledge that this is just as much about you learning as it is them.
In fact, that kind of goes for all parents. So I hope this helps.
Anything else parenting-with-ADHD-wise that you’d like to know? Let me know!
And if I can help get you on the right track with your ADHD, come see what kind of coaching you’re needing. There are a number of options.
