Note: as always, you can watch the video here
Setting goals is hard. Setting goals with ADHD is…well, it’s hard, too.
You’ve got a lot working against you: your Executive Dysfunction, your fear of failure, your fear of boredom…it all gets in the way of you starting new routines, implementing new processes, and generally being more satisfied with how your day goes.
I’m not going to promise that this article will suddenly change your life, and that your brain will suddenly love and excel at goal-setting – I don’t smoke and I therefore cannot blow any up your butthole. But I can promise you that, if you make these mistakes, it’ll make setting goals with ADHD harder.
So, please:
Don’t try to change too much at once
Honesty time: I have to rein myself in a lot, too. I know a lot about our brains, I know a good bit about organizing, and I’ll still get it in my head that I can start studying a new language, reading a new book, and going on a morning walk if I just apply myself.
But when you’re anyone, that’s alot — when you have ADHD, that’s just unfair.
Listen: for all of our impulsive behavior, we actually do poorly with sudden change. This has a lot to do with the fact that it overloads us, calling us to suddenly prioritize and organize things in our minds in a way that we struggle to do regularly. So if you throw yourself into changing literally everything, it’s going to become overwhelming, it’s going to sap your energy, and you’re going to wind up going right back to doing what’s comfortable.
Instead, do this: Start small. Take into account what kind of energy and focus you tend to have, and then set goals that aren’t too far beyond that to start. Once you stick to the new goal and do that consistently, build upon it. Only add a new goal once you’re pretty used to the first goal. This will take time, but you have a better chance of sticking with it if you work with your ebb and flow, rather than against it.
For example, if you’re wanting to adjust your routine at work so that you get more done, don’t go HAM and try to change your whole routine. Instead, start by reading emails first thing in the morning. Then, when your body and mind have adjusted to that, move your meetings. After that, move your time writing reports, and so forth. The alternative is that you make it through a few days before something happens, you get tripped up, and you wind up saying “fuck it” and throwing out the whole thing.
And we don’t want that to happen right? Right.
Don’t set unrealistic deadlines
Sure, sure, I do mean keeping time in mind, obviously, but I also mean keeping yourself in mind.
For example, if you’re like me and you like having ice cream for breakfast sometimes and think naps are the best invention in space-time, it’s not exactly realistic to promise yourself that you’ll be running a marathon all the way through in three months. Is it possible? Sure. But it’s not probable, because your brain is going to eventually go on strike against you and the sudden intense change you’ve put it through.
Instead, do this: I might sound like a broken record, but oh well…START SMALL. Or rather, start within your personal parameters. Don’t start where other people say you should. Mr. Beefy Arms on the internet can say to start with interval training, but you may need to start with going on leisurely walks every morning. You could also not really need interval training and be able to go straight to running like The Flash. It’s about what you can handle, and what makes sense in terms of your timeline, not necessarily how you’d like time to flow.
Don’t give up if things are imperfect
ADHD brains see everything as high-stakes, and goal-setting is no different. Goal-setting, for us, is all-or-nothing. We tend to feel that, if we don’t actually cook dinner every night this week, then we’ve failed and we’re failures and we might as well abandon our plans and run away to Belize, only we’ll probably mess that up, too, because we suck.
ADHD Goal-Setting: The Movie, a thrill ride filled with thrills, spills, and lots of tears. It doesn’t have to be that way.
Instead, do this: See every “failure” as feedback.
If you only cook dinner twice out of your seven days, then this is your brain and your body telling you that you’re not at seven-day-dinner-level yet; you’re at two-day level. So roll with those two days and adjust your goal, until those two days feel normal. Then up it to three, then four, and so forth.
“But Arianna,” you say, “what if I don’t start it at all?”
Well then you’ve started with too big a goal. And I’m going to say it again, and then you’re gonna get pissed at me: START SMALLER.
If you can’t get yourself to actually cook dinner at all that week, ask yourself why. Do you hate cooking (in which case, you’ve got an ICNU problem, and you probably need to address that)? Do you have some issues with food? Are you trying to force yourself to eat shit you don’t particularly like? All of these things would require you to take smaller steps to get to the actual cooking part, whether that’s first challenging yourself to find new foods you like, new recipes, or help dealing with food issues. But if you’re not able to even start your goal, chances are you’ve set one that your brain still feels is too big.
I’m going to close with this: everyone struggles with changing their actions. It isn’t just you. You’ve just spent your entire life being told that you don’t try hard enough, or that you’re not living up to your potential, which leads you to think that any time you don’t meet a goal, it’s your fault.
It isn’t. It’s only your fault if you give up on yourself.
No matter how hard things feel, or how exhausting it seems, in most cases, you can get there. It just takes patience with life, and with that awesome brain of yours.
I say it all the time and it still rings true now: you got this.
