We’ve hit 2021, and I still see it on some of my friends’ tweets and posts: They’ll make a joke about child-rearing, or bare their souls to admit that this parenthood thing is hard, only for some mouth-breathing, walking toilet paper roll with one sheet left to bust in:

“You chose to have kids. Maybe quit complaining.”

Every time I see it, I have the sudden urge to kick as many shins as I can find. It’s a cop out, an ultimate show of non-empathy. It’s also unrealistic as shit. Just about everything we do is a choice we’ve made, from the clothes we wear in the morning, to the jobs we work, to the friends we make. Could you imagine if we responded to each other this way on a regular basis?

“My boyfriend doesn’t give me flowers, and I wish he would. Turns out he’s not big on romantic gestures, which I get, but man, I love getting gifts sometimes, y’know? I just wish he’d do that once in awhile.”

“Um, ok, but you chose to date him, so maybe quit complaining – OW MY THROAT”

That last part was you punching the other person in the throat for being such an unhelpful and illogical douchebag. Because that kind of behavior is just begging for it to happen.

To be semi-fair, though I don’t find it to be much of an excuse, I do feel that these people are acting from a place of insecurity regarding their own parents. Mom called them shitheads to their face or Dad made them feel terrible about themselves, and this was never addressed. Therefore, every person’s even semi-negative comments about their children must be a shadow of the parents who didn’t love them the way they wanted. I get that, to a degree.

However.

The assumption that every honest person talking to other adults on the internet is harming their children is insulting and —have I used the word “unrealistic” yet? Shit. I have. Okay, how about impractical? Because it’s definitely that.

Fact is, we all make choices that we think are best, and even if they are the best choices, even the most fun option will have its downsides. And to shit on parents who are honest about those downsides, or who struggle during those downsides, is complete and utter trash behavior.

There’s also the fact that all good parents want to raise well-rounded, whole people. Do you know how fucking tiring that is? Especially when you’re successful and those whole people start forming their own opinions? And their own idiosyncrasies? And their own fears and hopes and dreams? This isn’t like preparing for a pile of TP reports on your fucking desk on Monday; how, exactly, should one “expect” a lifetime of unique experiences and perspectives?

You can’t. So stop with this. We’re not your mother telling you you’ll never be the world’s best dancer; we’re people who love our children, but who sometimes hate the struggles that go with raising them. Show sympathy, show empathy, or keep it to yourself.

And while we’re at it, here’s more that you can just keep in your Burn Book of Shit That Helps No One:

“Oh, you’re drinking? Well maybe you shouldn’t have to drink to escape your children.”

Unless the person is an alcoholic, you have no reason to comment on another grown-ass adult’s choice to drink. Just as I can’t stand people who look down on parents who don’t drink, I can’t stand people who try to inject guilt into the act. As if we don’t have enough ridiculous expectations and misinformation out there, you have to try to revert parenting to some sort of Puritanical dry dream (never would a Puritan have a wet dream; wet dreams are the Devil’s rain puddle). Some parents like to unwind with a glass of wine, or a cocktail, or a beer at the end of the day. Sometimes, that’s after their kids have driven them to a state of absolute overwhelm. Unless you’re going to start shitting on people who do the same after a hard day at work, you’re a hypocrite who’s projecting again.

“But Arianna,” you say, “when you’re a parent, you give that stuff up. Once your kids are born, you’re supposed to be focused on always being alert and focused, in case your kids need you.”

Aiight so first off, Jedidiah, should you really be here on the ol’ Electric Box yelling at me when there’s corn to be shucked and butter to be churned? I’m certain you also have some panels on your glass house to polish, since you’re over here whipping stones like a slingshot.

Second off as I’ve mentioned, short of alcoholic parents, which is another thing entirely, most parents have their children’s safety at the tips of their minds at all times. They’re not trying to drink to escape their kids, because they can’t escape their kids. Not mentally, and not physically. And, usually, drinking is one of the few adult things they can still do without having to find a babysitter. So if you unwind by baking and reading, cool. But stop trying to put parents down for enjoying parts of adulthood that they can still access.

“Way to Raise Your Children to Never Trust You”

Ok, so obviously this applies sometimes. But people say this for literally everything under the sun.

Wait…you gave your kid fish sticks with carrots in the breading? “Way to raise your children never to trust you.“

Wait…you told your kids there weren’t any cookies left when there were five left that you were keeping for yourself? “Way to raise your children never to trust you.”

Wait…you farted and blamed it on the dog? “Way to raise your children never to trust you.”

Shut up. Shut up your stupid face. Unless you’re there every minute of every day, able to see how parents interact with their children, you have no clue how that child will grow to see their parents. All you’re doing is playing on a very intense fear every parent has of ruining their children, and at best, you’re a dick for doing so.

Over time, kids naturally will come to trust their friends more than their parents. During the teenage years, in fact, from what I’ve heard, everything out of a parent’s mouth will automatically be suspect anyway. I don’t care if you’ve lived a life of perfect transparency and nun-like honesty; once puberty kicks in, your kid is going to start pulling away, and part of that is understanding that you may not be the one to come to for everything. You most likely won’t see this abate; in fact, if you do it right, your kids will probably never trust you more than themselves past the age of 17.

Just writing this pains me, because I love being able to get my daughter to wear adorable outfits just by declaring that “it’s better,” but I also understand that I’m only supposed to be a guide, not the only one she ever trusts forever and ever. And all I can do is tell them over and over that they can talk to me about anything without judgement. But I will shit my pants with impunity if not telling them that I’m taking them to the doctor for a shot has anything to do with the level of trust they’ll have in me for the rest of their lives.

Last but not least, stop this:

“How would you feel if blah blah blah?”

Listen: there isn’t a parent alive that doesn’t want their kids to understand the whole Golden Rule concept. We don’t want to be assholes, and we don’t want to raise them. This is a universal agreement.

That said, stop asking us how we’d feel if someone enacted our punishments on us. It’s stupid because — and I can’t emphasize this enough — I AM NOT SIX YEARS OLD.

“Would you like it if someone made you stand in a corner?”

Well, as a 35 year old woman who has about a 3rd grade understanding of the law, I’m fairly certain that if I just hauled off and punched my husband with all my might in his nuts that I’d be sentenced to standing in the corner, in a fashion, for more than five minutes, Cindy. So your argument is null and void.

“Would you like it if someone took away your favorite mode of entertainment?”

I mean…I love my phone and that would be horrible, you’re right. However, I am also not running around farting on people and laughing, even after being told to stop multiple times in the last day alone. If I was, I’d imagine that people would want to take my phone away at the very least, to show me they were displeased. And I would deserve it for being gross and a pain in the ass.

“Would you like it if someone told you that you couldn’t hang out with your friends?”

It’s a punishment. It’s not meant to be liked. In some heavy cases, it is meant to make the kid feel bad about their behavior so that they never, ever do it again. No, I wouldn’t like it, but that’s why you won’t catch me doing whatever the fuck it was the kid was doing in the first place.

Why do these people feel so comfortable saying such judgy, unhelpful shit? I swear, it’s like they’re not even trying to understa-

Wait.