Adult ADHD comes with its share of hard stuff, I know. It, of course, doesn’t help that you live in a world that tells you constantly that much of your cornerstone thoughts and behaviors aren’t “right.” It’s like they’re just TRYING to give you a complex.
I’m here to tell you that you don’t deserve or need that shame, and that I hear about these things so often that you’re far from alone. So it’s time to kick that embarrassment to the curb when it comes to:
Struggling with hygiene
Showering and brushing teeth are super common struggles for people with ADHD. We have to work extra hard to remember to do these things daily, and sometimes, we don’t succeed, and it sucks. I get it.
Don’t get me wrong: we should totally try to figure out ways to care for our hygiene, but how much of a bummer is it, trying to get it through people’s heads that something they can just do, doesn’t come as naturally for you? And when they’re like: “But why?” It’s not exactly easy to say:
“Because I don’t like the feel of it.”
“Because it feels like a lot of steps, and I’m overwhelmed.”
“Because I keep getting distracted by other things and I forget.”
…especially when you know there’s a chance that the other person won’t get it.
Honestly, I know it’s easier said than done, but we can’t trouble ourselves with feeling ashamed about this. It is what it is, and the most we can do is the best we can do. Move through this by trying a few things:
- Do it at the same time that you’re doing something else that you already do every day
- Body-double and brush your teeth at the same time as your partner or roommate, if you have one. Adjust this a bit for showering if you don’t dig showering with other people, and try to shower at the same time that your partner or roommate is doing something else they do every night. Agree to meet up afterwards to do something that feels like a reward (and yes, sleep can be the reward).
- Make it more enjoyable by mixing it with something you really like. Listen to music in the shower, watch videos while brushing your teeth..just do something you like while doing the thing that feels like a chore.
And remember that you’re not on your own here. You’re not gross or terrible. It’s just a thing to figure out, nothing more.
Asking people to repeat themselves
You know how you do that thing where you ask people to repeat themselves like three times and then just agree to whatever it was that they said, rather than ask them to repeat it again?
I know about this, because I do this, too. And yeah, it’s kind of a frustrating thing, to not hear what someone says the first few times, or to remember a name after meeting the person three times, but it happens. Seeing how we’re not the greatest at remembering verbal data, it happens a lot.
Know what, though? It’s not a bad reflection on you. It’s not a good one, either. It’s completely neutral. And anyone who takes offense at you trying valiantly to remember something, to you making a noticeable effort at remembering information that is important to someone else, can take a flying leap.
If you’re feeling self-conscious, being upfront is the best play. Just say “I’m sorry, I’m terrible at remembering stuff I don’t write down. Can you tell me that again? Or better yet…can you send it to me as a [text message/email/scroll tied to a carrier pigeon] so that I don’t need to bother you again?”
ADHDers are categorically terrible at asking for what they want, so I guess I’ll add that as a half point: the best way to avoid stuff like this is setting realistic expectations amongst those surrounding you.
Talking to yourself
DUDE. You talk to yourself? ME, TOO! And you know what? It’s FINE.
People with ADHD are more likely to talk to themselves, because we’re by and large what people call “external processors,” which is a way of saying that we unload information in our brains by getting it out of our brains and into the world somehow. This could be journaling, talking it out with a friend, or talking to yourself. That’s usually all it is.
Talking to yourself gets a bad rap, too, because damn it can be helpful. Sometimes, when I need to remember the next few things I’m about to do, I’ll actually say “Okay, I’m going to put my clothes away, feed the dog, and then I’m going to sit down and send that email.” I am saying this to no one, but I remember those next three line items much easier than I might if I just wrote it down and left it somewhere.
And you might be here like, “But Arianna, what about those long, large-scale conversations I have with myself out loud? That’s a sure sign of something, right?”
Only that you have a lot on your mind, and that you need to straighten out the many tangled threads of thought in there. If you’re doing that, you’re probably feeling an urgency to get to an understanding right now.
And if you’re still feeling off about talking to yourself out loud, then you can try to write down what you’re thinking. Pull up a random Google Doc and start typing until it’s out. Use a pen and a random piece of paper to the same effect.
Or talk and wear some headphones if you’re on a walk, so you can pretend you’re having a phone conversation. Either way, it’s not a failing. It’s thinking out loud, and there are literal songs about it.
Treating your ADHD with or without medication
I mentioned before that I have stopped taking pharmaceutical meds for ADHD. I’m managing with herbs. You should see some of the looks I get.
Thing is, I was on one side of the spectrum at one time. Like, I thought that anything that wasn’t lab-made was weak or stupid, and I was certain that anyone who suggested plants to me was a loon. And sometimes, the people on the other side of that spectrum were loons. There was nothing that made me more closed-minded than being sneered at for using a well-tested pill instead of eating…I dunno…grass.
Now, I’m on neither side of that spectrum; I’m smack-dab in the middle. And I can tell you right now that people spend way too much time worrying about what other people are doing to care for themselves.
Both medication and herbalism are based in peer review and study. Both have been shown to help. Going even further, there are people out there who can’t use medications of any kind, or who don’t want to.
And you know what? What you choose to do has absolutely nothing to do with what someone else chooses to do. As long as no one is hurting anyone, there’s no place for shame in anyone’s way to healing.
So if you’re going to take meds, do it. If you’re not, don’t. You’re doing what makes sense for you, to be the best version of yourself that you can be. That’s all that matters.
Not picking one thing and sticking with it
This has been a very recent epiphany for me, too, so if you just read the heading there and felt like your brain exploded, I’m with you. But hear me out.
All our lives, we’ve been told that we’re supposed to hone our focus in on one thing, and then we’re supposed to just focus on that thing forever. Many ADHD brains don’t work that way, and it makes for a nasty cycle of trying to pick one thing, getting tired of the lack of novelty, dropping that thing, and then finding something else.
After a very rough block of my own, I’ve realized that some of us can’t just pick one thing and stick with it. Nor should we have to. Sure, you want to be careful when trying to chase every project idea you come up with, but you also don’t have to bring yourself down to one sole focus forever either.
There are ways to ensure that you honor every part of yourself, and I completely suggest it. Many of us don’t feel like whole people because we’re told to boil ourselves down to social media bios or 150 characters, when the truth is, for some of us, being told to “pick one thing” slows us up more.
So if this is you, try to allow yourself time to have hobbies that you don’t feel pressured to do. Try to allow yourself a chance to explore things you want to explore, and to bring parts of yourself into other parts of your life.
You can make some pretty amazing things that way. Trust me on this one.
If you’d like some help balancing things and completing your whole picture, let me know and we’ll get you started.
