Let’s face it: the world is still trying to catch up to the idea of ADHD. In all honesty, I’m not even sure that ADHD is actually a “disorder” at this point. With adult diagnoses rising at – holy shit – four times that of children, there’s a very good chance that we’re going to just start admitting that half the population have brains that just work differently.
But, whatever you wanna call it, there are so many things we have to mess with daily that remind us just how little everyone gets us.
So here I am, about to bitch in an article about a few things that I’m sure exist just to make me feel inferior. This is how I process. Let me have this.
Thing #1: Key fobs
I am pretty sure that the person who invented these knew someone with ADHD who they hated with all of their might.
All I can find is that it was made by someone at Siemens for Mercedes-Benz in 1997, so I’m just going to imagine that it was some dude named Jimmy. Jimmy had probably had it with Kevin, his Mercedes-driving coworker, stealing his sandwich every day at lunch, and so he was like “Kevin loses everything that isn’t literally stapled to his hand; let’s see how he likes locking himself out of his car three times a month.”
And so the rest of us have to pay for Kevin’s original sin, like he’s Adam in some sort of ADHD genesis.
Thanks a lot, Kevin. Where the hell do I send you all of my roadside assistance bills?
Thing #2: YouTube
I suppose this only sorta fits, because I think YouTube was probably made specifically for people with ADHD. You don’t make a website that is literally a wormhole of video timesucks without hoping that you’re going to trap a bunch of people who don’t know how to just watch the video they came for.
“How did I go from looking up how to remove paint from tile to watching a conspiracy video about how Santa is actually Satan and the reindeer are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?”
By design, Diane. By design.
Thing #3: This pandemic
Corona. Baby. Honey. Honeybaby. Listen: I am already horrible at names. I can meet someone three times and still forget who the hell they are by time number four. I am not very good at covering this up either. All I know how to do is squint and then try really hard to call them by some sort of nickname until they call me out.
“Hey…it’s….yyyyoooooou!” I will say.
Suspicion starts to seep into their expression. “My name is –”
“HAHAHAHAHAHA no need to tell me! Of course I know who you are!” I lie, making sure to laugh way too loudly to somehow convince them that I’m, in fact, not lying.
They glare. I sigh.
“You’re um…Jessica, right?” I ask
“My name is Michelle.”
“But Jessica is your middle name?”
“No.”
And then I am doomed to sit somewhere and think about what I did.
Then you, Corona, come along and make people wear masks so that people like me have to actually try to pay attention to names? What are you doing? Why? Are social situations not awkward enough? This is just rude.
You suck, Corona. Now and forever.
Thing #4: Small Talk
Hey, I’ve got a great idea: let’s create a form of communication in which two or more people discuss very cursory, superficial things. Let’s ensure that, also, due to the inanity of the content, it’s much more obvious if one party lets their mind wander. Let’s also make it so that the conversation feels like it’s going slow as fuck, and then let’s try this with people whose brains abide by the ICNU acronym. The great part, though, is that the conversation topics will be neither Interesting, nor Challenging, nor Novel, nor Urgent. Also, let’s make sure that those people are stuck somewhere they can’t get away, like on a bus or in an elevato – OH SHIT SUPERMAN IS DESTROYING MY LAB BE RIGHT BACK
~Some comic book villain who I hate with all my soul
Thing #5: Pretty much every self-betterment app.
I have a confession to make: I really want to be that person.
You know who I’m talking about. She does yoga every morning, drinks plenty of water, still has energy to do arts and crafts with her kids, and read, and make cakes for her friends, and shower, and brush her teeth, and finish projects. That person seems like she might be insufferable, but like…she’s earned that insufferability. If I could do everything I want, I’d be all for smugly telling people at parties that I don’t even own a TV, too.
So every time I see an app that promises it will slowly work me to better habits and to being that person, I cave and try it. And every time, we get along for about a week or two, until the first time they tell me to do something I don’t even sorta want to do.
The moment a little notification comes up like “Arianna, it’s time for you to do 15 jumping jacks!” while I’m coloring and trying desperately not to go back to bed at 9 AM, I get offended. My brain turns into Joe Pesci from Goodfellas.
“What, do I look like a PUPPET to you? You wanna stick your hand up my BACK? Why don’t you sing Michael Row the Boat Ashore while you chug a glass of water and choke asshole?” This is harsh for a pretty little app with a smiley face notification, but as I mentioned, in this scenario, I am tired.
And then I lie to my app and tell it yes, in fact, I did 25 jumping jacks. And then it is deleted two days later.
This is how it is for just about everything in the self-betterment circuit right now. Nothing takes into account that things have to be interesting for us to do them, and that some days we’re not going to be able to push ourselves, no matter how hard we want to push. I’m not even saying i have the perfect answer; I’m just saying that the world of self-help really subscribes to the whole “you control everything about your day” concept, and when you have a brain that has a mind of its own, that’s not totally true.
Someone make an app that makes me want to do all the shit it throws at me and allows for off days, and I will give you anything you want for a year membership. I also demand a creator credit.
So there you have it. As with most things, I could keep going, but I won’t because frankly, I keep staring out of the window and thinking about the wind, and this is a recipe for disaster. So unless you want to hear more about how the wind is blowing so hard that it’s making noise, and how I’m now wondering how hard the wind would have to blow to pick a person up, and how I am now pretty sure that that’s how Mary Poppins flew with her umbrella thing and holy shit have you watched that thing as an adult? It’s so long! No movie about a flying nanny needs to be three hours long unless there’s a
Oops. Shit.
