Aiight, so there are two schools of thought here. One school says that adult ADHD shouldn’t be used as an excuse, that it can’t be used for everything, and that you sound like a baby bringing it up.
The other school of thought – the one not built off of years of stigma, and the one I personally ascribe to – says that you have to be willing to talk about this, because sticking up for yourself is how you get the world to adjust. Granted, EVERYTHING is not an ADHD thing (if you punch someone or something, don’t blame your ADHD; that was most likely because they ate your leftovers and you were hangry. Leave us out of it), but there are a number of things that could be. And the only way you’re going to push others to understand is to get real. So this is what you do:
First: Get comfortable with yourself
OH NOOO IT’S ANOTHER MINDSET SHIFT ARIANNA YOU ASSHOLE
Listen. I’m not sorry, because you shouldn’t be either. And until you get that straight, you won’t be able to confidently speak for yourself. Remind yourself that your brain is not “bad,” and, with millions out there diagnosed and millions more expecting they might be ADHD, it’s not even as different as we once thought. Get comfortable with how your brain works and look at all it’s accomplished. Write these things down. Hang it somewhere, if you have to. But get yourself into a mindset that your brain is a strong, intelligent one, and that it just needs certain allowances. Then you can move on to the next step, which is:
Second: Be assertive, but not aggressive
If the person is purposely being a jerk (which I’ll get into later), then this might not apply. But try to remember that most people don’t really understand what ADHD even entails. This means you have to be willing to teach them.
You don’t have to hold classes or anything, but you might have to tell people, straight out, when something isn’t going to work with your brain.
“I’m sorry, but I’m not great at processing information this way. Can we try another way?”
“I often need to have a visual option. Do we have one?”
“I’m not trying to slow you up, but I need to process audio a little more slowly. Are you cool writing it down?”
And most importantly, BE CLEAR. Even if you’re not sure what you need, tell them “I need help with this.” This goes for bosses, partners, friends…whoever. If you don’t tell them something’s wrong, there’ll be not adjustments made for you.
Notice I didn’t tell you to be like “HEY. HEY. NOT EVERYONE IS LIKE YOU OK?? YOU’RE TALKING TOO FAST!” And that’s because you also have to remember that ADHD isn’t the only issue out there. Everyone has their something, and it’s best to remember that 99.9% of the time, this isn’t personal. People just need reminding. If anyone should get that, we should.
Next up..
Third: Have solutions, or help find solutions
If you leave it up to someone who doesn’t get you to fix your problems, you’re going to get really bad solutions.
Just saying “I need this information laid out in a way I can understand” is going to result in some really weird shit, and a lot of back and forth and frustration.
“I need you to tell this to me differently” is going to be met with blank stares because the other person is going to be like, “different how? In a different language? I’m confused.”
So be clear with what you need, and if you know the solution already, offer it up.
“I need this information to have some sort of color-coding so that I can see which tasks have the highest priority. Is that possible to do?”
“I get that you want me to help with chores this weekend but I need you to actually write down what you want me to do, please.”
OR, if you don’t know the solution, offer to help figure it out.
“Listen, the way the meeting notes were laid out was super jumbled to me. I think I need to hear it. Want me to find a way to record future meetings?”
“I’m regularly coming home without all of the groceries you asked for. Let’s try to find a way I can remember, ok?”
This way, you’re 1. Giving the person less room to screw this up or ignore your requests, and 2. You’re making sure you’re doing something that’s going to actually help you.
And finally…
Lastly: Don’t be a doormat, but pick your battles
If you’re in a situation where it’s pivotal that the other person acknowledges what you need, be your greatest advocate and don’t let them treat you otherwise. At work, don’t be afraid to talk to your HR department or to higher-ups you trust. When speaking to your medical care team, remember that you have the right to second opinions, and to change doctors, nurses, or anyone else on said team if they don’t seem concerned with helping you.
That said, you won’t get everyone to do their part, unfortunately. You’ll likely have family members, friends, and even significant others who’ll claim you’re making things up, or who’ll argue that if you just sniffed more sunshine or something stupid that you’d be “better.”
If these people are horribly important to you, try sharing information with them, pushing them to learn more, or going to therapy with them if you can. But otherwise…don’t waste your energy or your time. Both things are precious and non-renewable resources, and it’s not worth trying to change a made-up mind; you’ve got your own mind to care for.
I won’t tell you to find new friends or significant others. That’s not my place. But I will say that if you have to stick up for yourself and you can do it safely, you should, regardless of whether they’re willing to grow with you or not.
If you take nothing else from this, take that you are doing nothing wrong by speaking openly and honestly about your brain, its needs, and how to help yourself. These are things every human being should do, and you’re no different.
Love thyself, love thy brain, and everything else becomes a little easier, I promise.
If you’re looking for someone to talk with about this, I’m here to do just that. And if you’re looking for a group of like-minded individuals to body-double with, come join our coworking community on Centered. See you there!
Top site ,.. amazaing post ! Just keep the work on !